Fred Meyer...

Ok, so tonight I had the worst experience at Fred Meyer. I was at the check out stand, I had Payton in front of me, and in front of both of us was our cart full of pumpkins for preschool. Behind me was my husband and our cart full of groceries for our family. I walk up to pay and out of nowhere comes this smell, so stinky that I am about to vomit. I am trapped and begin going into a small panic. This check out lady has farted and continues to fart in front of me. It was worse than a skunk, a baby diaper, and really anything I have ever smelled. I look behind me to escape but realize that York too is about to vomit and finds a way to exit the aisle with Caden. I am left with Payton who politely does not want to say anything but is covering her nose with her shirt. The women kept on repeating herself by saying, "so, it looks like you are decorating for Halloween? I said, "No, this is all for my job." One minute later as I try to gasp for air, she says again, "So, it looks like you are decorating for Halloween." I wanted to say, "Look lady, you just asked me that question one minute ago, but clearly your brain is now fried because your gas problem is causing you to hallucinate. I quickly turn back and look at the spearmint gum and stick my nose up against it. She is looking at me funny now, but come on, are you serious! My clothes are starting to smell like this ladies gas...so I try to push my cart forward. She stops me! She says she needs to do a price check on something and then let's another one fly as she is leaving. I find myself almost hitting the floor, I can foresee the obituaries now, "Women dies from nasty fart from the Fred Meyer lady" I find courage to get back up and notice that the entire aisle has cleared out and my husband is sitting down about to vomit with Caden. (Who is plugging his nose)

One, two , four minutes pass, and finally we are done. As we leave another person gets into line looking at us like we were the culprit. I look back at the 25 year old man, and give him the look with my eyes that say, "sorry old buddy, but it wasn't us. Good luck breathing the next five minutes." I notice his eyes start to water, and soon, he says to the lady, "keep the change" and makes a B-line out the door.

I am not sure what that lady ate, nor if she was aware of her gas issue, but it now has been four hours since I was at Fred Meyer. I had to put Vicks vapor rub up my nose to get the semi-permanent stench out of my nose.